D

death: formerly an occasion for showing off; now a solution to a situation we have defined as a problem

Democrat: the party of the working man, which demonstrates its principles by begging at rich people's back doors

dirt: unclean matter; the source of life

dog: an animal not so superior to man as the cat, yet still superior to man, as demonstrated by its faithfulness, its physical perfection and its inability to lie. King Canute separated dogs into two types: good dogs and bad dogs. Bad dogs were small enough to squeeze through holes in the king's fences and kill the animals the king wanted to eat; bad dogs could be killed. Good dogs were too large to fit through the holes in the king's fences, and could not be killed, but would be on the king's side, forever. These distinctions between good dogs and bad dogs remain true today

dollar: a language unnecessary to translate

don't ask: basic politeness; good manners

don't tell: a repressed, dull and oppressive condition

drum: a) an instrument associated with war and aggression; b) a container to carry oil

E

Einstein, Albert: a) a smarter than average human being; b) a pacifist whose insights made mass murder possible on an unprecedented scale

elections: systems of begging and feeding, like goldfish food (q.v., next week), which are prepared in factories you will never see, and which must not be dispensed too often

Evangelical Christianity: a) the Foremost Promoters of Satan - You never hear Anyone Else talk about Him; b) a wealthy conglomerate that started out with breast-beating and denunciation, then got into TV, fund-raising and private jets

eyeglasses: an instrument to help you misunderstand the world more clearly

F

fame: a state of being watched and hounded, which most Americans believe they want, and to which they feel entitled

fascism: according to Hemingway (q.v., next week), a lie that bullies tell to cowards

fish: Once there was a beautiful princess who wanted to marry a fish. 'That's ridiculous,' said her mother, the queen. 'You're a beautiful princess. You don't have to marry a fish.' 'But I want to marry a fish,' the princess said. And every day she would walk down to the sea or to a lake to look at the fish and wonder which one would be her husband. The queen told the king that their daughter wanted to marry a fish. 'That's ridiculous,' the king said. 'She's going to marry a prince, a human prince, and become a queen.'

But the princess kept going to the sea and to lakes, looking at fish, wondering which one would be her husband. She liked the handsome rainbow trout, but even the biggest rainbow trout was too small to be her husband. She liked the beautiful salmon, but salmon are anadromous, and she didn't want to miss him, all those months in the ocean.

The king and queen tried to dissuade her from her foolish idea. They presented her with many handsome princes, who asked for her hand. But the princess wanted to marry a fish. She spent years visiting all the lakes and seashores in the realm. She even visited the ponds. She wondered what it was like to live underwater, to breathe through her neck, to flash like a silvery shadow between moss-covered rocks, to sleep in the mouth of a cave, slowly waving her tail, what it would be like to leap from the water into the strange element of air. The princess grew old. This story has no end because no matter how great the devotion, how pure the love, no human will ever know what it is like to be a fish

fuck: a) a good thing, the word for which is a bad thing; b) a North American conundrum; North Americans are taught to always use a conundrum

fairy tale: a) a story for children; b) a religion

FBI: an organization that rose to power under a cross-dressing nance who tapped phones, blackmailed members of Congress, suborned the murder of Black leaders, hated Jews and liberals, told Martin Luther King Jr. to kill himself, violates state and federal laws and the Constitution, and defends our civil liberties

fertilization: something dead things do

fishing: one of the few rational activities left to man

Franklin, Benjamin: the first American of whom it can be said that the products of his mind elevated our nation's standing in the opinion of the world; the second was Mark Twain; after Twain, we've pretty much relied on bombs and movies

Freud, Sigmund: an explorer who incurred the wrath of mankind by devising a method to speak about the mind

Freudian slip: truth told by error

future: an illusion

Source: Courthouse News Service